July 29, 2010
Techniques for Avoiding Roadblocks on the Journey to Higher Happiness
A few weeks ago, we talked about the challenge of staying at Level 3 in a Level 2 World. But the biggest hurdles don’t come from the outside but the inside. Seeing the beauty and benefits of Level 3 is one thing; overcoming ingrained habits of Level 2 thinking is another. Spitzer Center Executive Director Jim Berlucchi has been facilitating the Journey to Excellence for years, and he’s on the same journey himself. What follows are some of his own techniques for achieving and keeping a Level 3 identity.
It All Begins with Awareness
Level 2 is instinctively strong in me. I’ve got a lot of Level 2. But I’ve found that awareness of the levels is very helpful to me because I can more easily spot Level 2 and Level 3 behavior in myself and others.
My Level 2 tends to come out as fear or anger. Almost any time I’m fearful and quite often when I’m angry or resentful, it’s because I’m at Level 2 – “It’s all about me.” How am I going to be perceived? Will I be ineffective and look like a loser? Will people lose their esteem or respect for me?
If I can connect these emotions directly to the situation causing them, I can consciously decide to change my attitude. Instead of dreading a meeting that’s making me anxious, I can think about the best way to make an optimal positive difference to people I’m meeting with. Instead of resenting the need to deal with someone who pushes my buttons, I can think of ways to make the encounter positive. By consciously recognizing the challenge of staying at Level 3, I’ve found that I can push that Level 2 emotion into the background and bring out a better attitude and perspective. I do that quite a bit.
You don’t fall back to the bottom of the mountain each time you slip. Level 2 may still be your subconscious default setting, but the more you challenge that default, the more you change it. It doesn’t get harder and harder, it gets easier and easier, so long as you don’t give up. |
The other part of awareness is looking at people all around me and seeing a lot of Level 3 actions I wasn’t noticing in the past. One example is the Boy Scout troop my son belongs to. I was at a free pancake supper they held as a community service a few weeks ago, and I spent time observing the leaders and how they were there just pouring themselves out for these boys. The troop leader is a man named Jack Brigham. He’s been doing this all his life – he’s in his 80s now – and he still exudes enthusiasm and devotion to his scouts. I can’t even fathom it. I was just in awe of him and the other leaders I watched. And I was thinking, with utter sincerity, “They are much better people than I am.” It didn’t make me feel bad. It actually made me feel good. I wanted to emulate them.
Keep Your Self Talk Positive
There’s another good approach called affirmation. I don’t do it as consistently as I should, but the technique is to write out and internalize a statement about yourself that reflects what you’re trying to achieve. For example, there are people I struggle with and don’t relate to very well, so I’ve written statements about how much I love them and respect them and look forward to seeing them. And the funny thing is, it works!
It reminds me of the old song: “Whenever I feel afraid/ I hold my head erect/ And whistle a happy tune/ So no one will suspect/ I’m afraid.” There’s a line later in that song that captures what affirmation is all about: “The result of this deception/ Is very strange to tell/ For when I fool the people I fear/ I fool myself as well.”
I’ve found that I really can fool my own subconscious into viewing people more positively. When I see these people, I have a very different disposition than I’d have if I just kept locking horns with them. I also find that when I drop my own sword and shield, they reciprocate. It’s a win-win.
Manage Failures and Celebrate Victories
Change is hard and you’re bound to have days when you let your ego and selfishness get the better of you. But the real risk is letting those setbacks discourage you. Fr. Spitzer talks about the myth of Sisyphus and the dejection that comes from believing you’re doomed to keep falling back to the same place you started from. If you let yourself think that way, you’ll give up and resign yourself to a life defined by conflict and competition.
But the fact is, when you think you’re failing you’re actually making progress. You don’t fall back to the bottom of the mountain each time you slip up. Level 2 may still be your subconscious default setting, but the more you challenge that default, the more you change it. It doesn’t get harder and harder, it gets easier and easier, so long as you don’t give up.
That’s why it’s also important to take comfort and encouragement from your victories. When you’re tempted to do something self-centered and instead you do something virtuous, it’s OK to relish that success and think, “I’m making progress.” And it doesn’t have to be something huge, because progress comes from consistent small steps.
I remember a time I came home from work dead tired and ready for a nap. My son wanted me to join him at Little League practice. Cozy bed or hot, dusty ball field? It didn’t seem like a hard choice, until the phrase “make an optimal, positive difference” popped into my head. The great thing was, I had a wonderful time at the practice, helping the kids, watching my son interact with his teammates. And I thought, “I did the right thing, and I’m enjoying myself!” That’s what usually happens.
– Jim Berlucchi
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Last changed: Feb 24 2010 at 8:35 AM